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With the metrosexualizing of the modern man, there’s a very real risk that the traditional man might very well become extinct. While many feminists and liberals might cheer this particular loss of species, allow me to remind you guys and gals that without us traditional men, there’d be no one to kill spiders and open bottles for you, thus eventually resulting in a world overrun by spiders and unopened bottles.
In order to prevent that calamity, here is the Man Law: 1) Every problem can be fixed by duct tape. 1a) While your GF/wife nagging can be fixed by duct tape as well, its not the best of ideas to use that fix. 2) If the injury doesn’t result in more the 25% of the limb being lost and you can still move, walk it off. 3) Salad is what food eats. 4) If it involves alcohol, tobacco, firearms or explosives, its fun – if it involves all four, call your best friend to join you if he hasn’t already. 5) Friends help friends, real friends help friends hide bodies. 6) Good friends bail you out of jail, great friends are sitting in the cell with you screaming, “OMFG – that was GREAT!!!” 7) Real men don’t cry, but occasionally, they might get a spec of dust in their eyes that causes severe watering. 8) If it fits on the grill, you can cook it. 9) If it doesn’t fit on the grill, you need a bigger grill. 10) Real men need no more the 30 seconds to do their hair in the morning. 11) Real men don’t refer to it as “doing their hair” – we comb it – that’s it. 12) Any pair of shoes 5 years or older must be worn till they fall apart on your feet – they have character and deserve to die walking. 13) Any ratty old teeshirt your female wants to toss is your favorite shirt – wear it everywhere – insist she burry you in it. 14) She can have the remote when she pries it from your cold, dead fingers. 15) The only movie its acceptable to cry at is Old Yeller, however, should you be observed crying, refer to rule #7. 16) The only acceptable method for carrying your female’s purse is to hold it at arm’s length on the end of a stick or broom handle. 17) Trucks are not to be cleaned – that’s what rain is for. 18) There is no such thing as “too much horsepower”. 19) Any movie with boobs and violence is acceptable to watch. 20) It is only acceptable to watch a chick flick if it gets you into her pants for the first time. 21) You’ll only fart and burp so many times a day, so make them count. 22) The Three Stooges and Benny Hill are comedy classics. 23) All channel grazing must stop whenever a John Wayne movie is encountered. 24) If her response to “Is anything wrong honey?” is “NOTHING!!!!!!!!” you are permitted to accept her at her word. 25) Dust can not get under things like lamps and trophies, therefore, should you end up dusting for some inexplicable reason, do not lift these items to dust under them – you’re just making work for yourself. 26) Do not take out the trash, mow the lawn or perform any other task any sooner then 30 minutes after a female has nagged you to perform said task – you’ll only encourage them to nag more in the future. 27) If it bleeds, we can kill it – if it isn’t bleeding, shoot it with a bigger gun. 28) There’s no such thing as owning too many guns. 29) Light beer is for women and college kids. 30) Never use a napkin if you have a perfectly working shirt sleeve or pant leg. 31) When a cloth napkin is provided, it is to be tucked into the shirt, not laid on the lap. 32) All bugs, rodents, small animals and children that distress your female should immediately be stomped on. 33) If for some reason you’re unable to open a bottle, it is perfectly acceptable to “accidentally” break it, then comment about not knowing your own strength. 34) Should your female insist that you help do dishes, one must realize that they are slippery and prone to being dropped and broken – drop/break enough and she’ll stop insisting that you help do dishes. 35) Coffee tables were designed for resting feet on – don’t let her tell you otherwise. 36) If the dog doesn’t wrinkle its nose in disgust upon sniffing your shirt, the shirt is ok to wear again before washing. 37) If food has been on the floor for less then 3 seconds, its fine – more then 3 seconds, it’s the dog’s – if the dog gets to it in less then 3 seconds, that’s your call whether or not to fight him for it. 38) A child that’s messy with food can be easily cleaned by putting said child in licking range of a dog. 39) Dogs are pets, cats are nuisances, toy poodles are food for real dogs. 40) Snakes, frogs, turtles, etc are kewl. 41) Chasing a female around with anything from #40 is mandatory. 42) Large firecrackers are perfectly acceptable methods for dealing with groundhogs. 43) A 4th of July without large quantities of explosive devices is like a New Year’s Eve party without large quantities of explosive devices. 44) Real men vote Republican. 45) Anyone who doesn’t cheer the impacts of precision guided weapons on the news is a commie. 46) No jury will ever convict you for spraying lighter fluid at someone in the process of burning the American flag. 47) Its ok to laugh at people who get attacked on TV while teasing animals. 48) The four basic food groups are meat, beer, chips and pussy. 49) You’re not a real man if you’ve never eaten something that you personal caught and killed. 50) Tattoos are for men, earrings are for women. Credit for this list goes to Cigarskunk. I don't know if he lifted it from someone else, but I should give him credit from where I got it. He called them "Guy Rules" but men don't have rules, we have laws! Well, see ya' later! Mood: Amused Music: "Dude Looks Like A Lady" by Aerosmith Book: (None) | |
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